Life Questions, Life Stories

So much of my life has been taken by cancer, and now i'm on the journey to discover life's true meaning.
Title: Monster
Medium: Acrylic
Made by me!  

Title: Monster

Medium: Acrylic

Made by me!  

My Single Life?

A few months ago I was in a 5 year relationship. Why did I end it you ask? Because all I thought about was being single! I was in a relationship with this guy since I was 13 and a freshman in high school. I have no regrets (minus the fact we were together so long). He was a good friend and supported me through my hardships. But, I feel like dating him kept me away from making the friends I needed. Anyway! I love being single, I feel so free. The only problem is that I have no guy friends to talk to. It’s not like there is enough guys to talk to in this world, I am just having a hard time coming out of the self conscious shell. I don’t even want a relationship! All I really want is to get laid. 

So I met this guy on Facebook recently. He added me and I accepted his request seeing that we went to the same high school. He messaged me as soon as a added him…interesting. We talked blah blah, and I gave him my number. BIG mistake. Stage five clinger alert. He wont stop talking to me. I notice that he must not have a lot of friends because no one ever replies to his status’s. Before I thought about how he might be a creeper, I was kind of excited. I finally had a new man to talk to . I came to thinking about it, and thought “maybe he’s lonely too?”. Maybe he was just looking for someone new to talk to? Or just find someone to bang. Then it came to me. Maybe i’m just like this guy everyone calls a creeper!? I’m lonely, I need someone to hang out with, I don’t want a relationship I just want to have sex. So why should I give this guy the cold shoulder when we desire the same things? 

My Dreams are Slowly Crushing

Ever since my recovery from the first round of cancer, I have wanted to be an Oncologist. I have an interest in human anatomy for years now. Currently, I am a sophomore at CU Boulder studying Integrative Physiology and Studio Art, my two loves of education. My Freshman year, I would cry myself to sleep because I got terrible grades on my exams. I studied, and studied, and studied, just like everyone else! Then I would get a D or a F. I would cry myself to sleep because I knew my dreams were slowly crushing. We all know to get into med school a student needs grades of perfection. I don’t think a GPA of 2.7 is going to cut it. I spill my brains, heart, and determination all over these exams, and yet i’m always disappointed in myself. Today I got a D on my anatomy exam. I love anatomy, so why can’t I be good at it? Should I just give up my dream because it’s a lost cause? I’m I dumb or should I just blame the cancer?

There is a time of year in New York when…even before the first leaf falls…you can feel the seasons click. The air is crisp, the summer is gone. And for the first night in a long time, you need a blanket on your bed.

—Carrie Bradshaw (via whatwouldcarriesay)

(via whatwouldcarriesay)

"If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there."
-Lewis Carroll

I Don’t Know What I’m Doing…

I got inspired to blog off of the show “Awkward”. You can say that’s lame I guess but I found the show interesting because she could pour all of her feelings into words. I on the other hand, am never able to do this. Whether my feelings  are happy, sad, angry, I don’t care to pour my heart out to paper nor people. I don’t know if it’s because of my rugged past, or what. I have always been seen as the shy girl that never talks. Progressively, that is beginning to change but i’m still not where I want to be. By blogging everyday, i’m going to try and train myself to trust people so I can start trusting myself.